No pity parties here 

You know those moments where you feel down, but you want to prove to everyone that you’re alright?

I’m having that right now.

Honestly a lot happened to me this week, but in a year it won’t matter. 

I will get over it. Yeah, it hurts right now but most of what happened I had been expecting. It wasn’t a shock to learn what I did.

Mostly, I feel foolish, but I don’t regret anything I did. 

I don’t want to just sit around and be sad. That won’t help anything.

Life isn’t going to stop just so I can get my act together and stand up. I am a fighter. I can get pushed down, but I will always get back up. It may take me time, but I’ll do it.

In a strange way I’m excited for school, but also a bit scared. I want to be able to prove to myself that I’m okay. I don’t need to through myself a pity party.

I don’t want pity. I don’t want to stop and think because that will just hurt more. The best is to just keep moving forward with a smile and my head held high. 

One day things will fall into place. I know it. I know the future will have sorrow, but it will also bring joy and new opportunities.

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Time is weird

Time goes by so fast.

Obvious, right? I mean, we all hear this all the time, but then there are those moments when you really look back and take the time to see what’s happened in such a short amount of time.

I started writing stories online about 3 years ago, but if you asked me that in person I’d have to pause and think about it, because it feels so unreal to me. Yes, a lot has happened since I posted my first story, but I remember it so vividly.

Then I think back to last weekend, which seems so far away. In one small week so much changed for me.

It’s mystifying how time works. Sometimes the hours are so agonizingly long, but sometimes you’re confused on how it got to be so late.

It’s life, I suppose, but I think part of it is also the fact that we take so many things for granted. It’s like when you lose something, time freezes up and you find yourself with so much empty time on your hands. You know you should be doing something, but you don’t know what.

I know some people will say it’s all explained in Einstein’s Special Relativity, but even knowing about relativity doesn’t make me any less curious.

The weirdest, yet most interesting, idea to me is that while time can be slow to some, it’s simply not slow enough to others.

Time is weird. I guess the best thing to do is to be happy, and don’t look back in your life to see regrets. Take opportunities. Learn from mistakes. Bottom line, live your life.

CAHSEE schedule

CAHSEE schedule is a blessing.

You guessed it! It’s that blessed time of year where freshmen and sophomores take the CAHSEE (California High School Exit Exam) and juniors and seniors get to arrive at school late.

Being a junior, I am extremely excited. I take a zero period, meaning I start school at 7:23 on most days, but 8:41 on Tuesdays. My school day ends at 3:10, but this Tuesday and Wednesday I get to start school at 11:36.

I won’t be sleeping in like many of my friends, for I’ll be trying to get some homework done early.

I promise, I’m not always an overachiever, but I wish I was. It’s because I have choir concerts this week, which take up a lot of time.

Anyways! Back to the waking up early, I’m just happy because I’ll have time to actually wake myself up instead of being a zombie through my morning classes. I mean, even if I don’t get a whole lot of work done, I still have time to actually eat breakfast or maybe read or write, not that I don’t read or write in school. I actually have a lot of downtown in some of my classes… 

It’s not that I don’t have the time to eat breakfast, but I’m the type of person who can’t eat when I wake up on a school day, or any day I have to go somewhere in  the morning, because I get anxious. Believe me, on a Saturday, I wake up and am ready for lunch. I just get anxious. Like at choir camp this year, I barely ate any real meals. I just wasn’t hungry. 

Don’t really know where I was going with that thought…

Anywho! I’m very excited for getting to have some me time. I don’t know if I’ll actually get up to be productive, but productiveness can be many things. It’s just a matter of its personal, school related, or writing related. Writing is always a fun accomplishment. Seriously though, I need to work on my next chapter of this story….

Hope to talk to you all later! Bye! Thanks for reading. I hope you have a lovely night/day/afternoon!

I’m a fighter

Do you ever feel like you’re just so numb? 

I know that for awhile I practically trained myself to be numb. I know I’m not. In fact, nowadays I’m trying to make the numbness go away, because it’s almost like I don’t react at all. I try to be numb so I won’t let others hurt me. I try to keep smiling and keep moving forward.

My biggest fault is possibly my best quality. I will always put others’ happiness ahead of my own. If something hurts me, you’ll see me laughing and acting like I love it even though that simply isn’t true. 

I can’t exactly lie very well, but I know how to be fake. People call me a bad liar. Okay. I’m good at hiding what I want to be hidden though. So many things have been shared, but so many are still locked away behind one of many doors to my past.

If people freak out or are upset, I feel the need to defend them and be the calm person in the situation. I’m not saying I don’t react, because as a teenage girl, I mean come on, that’s impossible. I fangirl over loads of things, but I’m also great at faking a smile and a laugh. 

I don’t know what my real smile looks like anymore, nor my real laugh. I have a go to set. Go to stance. Go to hair. Go to smile. Go to laugh(s). Go to everything. 

It’s hard to remember what’s even real in this world anymore. 

As I said before, because of who I am And what I’ve been through I had to numb myself to survive. I’m a fighter. 

I may hate the fact it’s become so easy to fake things, but there was a reason for it. I’m a fighter. Maybe not for myself, but for others. They are more important than me. They deserve the best. Not me. 

It’s difficult to explain or understand. The sad part of it all is that I don’t know if my numbness is a pro or con anymore. It was once a valuable asset, but I tried to get rid of it. Slowly I feel it coming back, in short spurts, but it’s there. I just… It’s like I don’t know who I am. The only thing I do know is that I’m a fighter. I don’t give up easily, or so I tell myself but that isn’t 100% true. 

I don’t give up for others, not for me. That, I find sad.

“One Day”

I know it isn’t right to make assumptions, but everyone I’ve met has a “one day”.

One day I’ll go to Australia.

One day I’ll be President.

One day I’ll leave this place.

One day.

When is “one day”? How do you know when your “one day” is here?”

Why would you even want to wait for your “one day”? If all you do is wait, your “one day” may never happen. You can’t just wait around for something to happen. Take action.

You have to treat every single day as your last, so every single day is your “one day”.

Life is so unpredictable. We have to expect the unexpected. A moment makes a magnificent difference. You can’t rely on a schedule, because life isn’t meant to be a schedule.

Be spontaneous. Be crazy. Live life to the max. I don’t mean you should go out and be stupid, but don’t just waste away thinking of what you missed and never achieved. It’s never too late to fulfill your idea of “one day”.

So what are you waiting for? Go out. Do something. Take advantage of the opportunities provided. Go farther than a normal day. Switch things up.

Just don’t wait around for something to come. If you’re not putting an effort in, why do you deserve a “one day”?

Make today you’re “one day”. Make tomorrow your “one day”. Make everyday your “one day”.

Book Crazy

Hello again! Yeah, so I need to just get this off my chest. I am slightly insane when it comes to books, and in general too, but that’s okay.

Okay, I know many people love to read, but I think I’m actually insane. I don’t think it’s necessarily a bad thing either.

Honestly, I don’t have a lot of books. I have less than a hundred, I promise. Is it bad that makes me sad? I have a book shelf in my home, but only one shelf out of five is actually devoted to books. This absolutely angers me, because it’s like an injustice to books. My mother is always saying how I have too many, but that honestly isn’t true.

Today though, I happened to buy nine books. Wait! Before you drop your jaws, let me explain. I only spent sixty dollars, which is a great price for nine books. Also, I bought the whole Harry Potter box set (finally)! Yes, I have not read the whole series. My brother had the books, but never let me touch them, and now I don’t have access to them. I’ve been begging for these books for so long now, so finding them at a good price was what made me buy them.

Also I bought Bloodlines, which is a spinoff from the Vampire Academy series. Just saying, the books are so much better than the movie. The movie made me want to cry. I liked the actors, but it felt like a crappy show, instead of the amazingness it really is. Besides that, I also bought the first book in the Percy Jackson series.

Now, I recently got into Percy Jackson, because my friend forced me to read the first book. I’m in the middle of it, but I still had to buy my own hardcopy of it, instead of reading it online, because if I have a book in my actual hands I will read it so much faster.

Here’s why I say I’m insane, I have a list on my phone of books. If someone wants to get me something I will hand them a sheet of paper with books I want. It gets even worse. If I love a series I want to buy every book. I just finished a series with thirteen books not too long ago. I still need to buy twelve more.

I mean, if I had the option to buy the third book of a series because I haven’t read it or the second book because I don’t have it, I’d probably buy the second book. Let’s just say logic goes out the window, but it’s like I know I will reread the series, so I’d like all the books.

Please tell me I’m not the only person who does this? I know I’m crazy, but I can’t be the only one.

So… have any book recommendations?