What happened to my big brother that I would always look up to? Did he just vanish into thin air, or did he just become a different person? He use to be the type of brother who would always take care of me, the brother that always knew my likes and dislikes better than myself. The brother I could count on. The brother that actually called his mom “Mom”. He was the one who would help me with homework. He was the one who taught me how to have fun. He was the one who made me who I am. Where is he?
What happened to the person who would always play video games with me, laugh at how pathetic I was, and then get me a cookie or some ice cream just to make me feel better? He was the one person who knew how jealous I was of him, but I could still be myself around him. I didn’t have to pretend to be what my parents wanted me to be, or what family expected from me, or how my friends expected me to be. I could stay up talking to him for countless hours, and then he’d lie saying he was going to sleep just so I would rest. We’d get into fights over stupid things, even though I knew that in the end he’d win, just like always. If I ever got hurt he would laugh, but he also taught me to be strong. He taught me not to take everything so seriously.
I know my brother changed after my parents had their divorce. He was always the independent, smart, confident type of guy. After the divorce, things just changed. We still did stuff together like joke around and play video games, but after my dad’s remarriage it was completely different. It was partly my fault for pushing him away, but I felt like I had no choice. I just wanted to make everyone happy. Time passed and my brother and I grew apart. I started to think he didn’t care about me anymore. Then one day, after such a long time, I went to his room at night just to talk. I stayed in there until six in the morning. I fell asleep in his room, but woke up in mine. What I’ll never forget is how he told me I was his favorite.
Now I go to the same school my brother went to up until the middle of his junior year. I remember saying how I would be so happy to go here. I am happy to go here, but there are also days where I remember my brother, and I just want to cry. I don’t even know the teachers my brother had. A day doesn’t go by that I don’t think of my brother. Would he be proud of me for finally standing up for myself, or would he think I was stupid? What would the person I was always jealous of think of me now? He told me he was jealous of me when we were little because I got everything, but that was through his eyes. He couldn’t see how he was always the favorite to my dad. The spot I once yearned for, but not anymore.
I think about whether the brother I once knew is still even there anymore. I haven’t had any contact with him for over two years, even though I tried. I don’t even know if I want to anymore. I love him oh so much, but at the same time I’m so mad at him for leaving me, his so-called favorite. He didn’t even call me on my birthday. Sometimes at night I cry thinking about how the pink bear he gave me the day he first saw me is no longer with me. That bear is now in an unknown location to me. For all I know my stepbrother could even have it. I can’t look at things from my past without thinking of my brother. Sometimes I wonder that if I do see him again, would he be the old brother I loved and know is still inside him somewhere, or would he be the shadow of the once amazing brother I had. The most important question is if I could forgive him, but the thought that haunts me the most is if he would forgive me for pushing him away and letting others control my life. My brother always told me that he wanted me to be my own person.
To me, the brother I once had is gone. In the time I haven’t seen him I haven’t gotten even one text or one call. Now all I have left of those glorious times are pictures with the brother I once loved and my memories. I say I loved him, as in past tense, so why am I crying while I write this?
I have the answer. I still haven’t given up on my brother, and I don’t plan to. If I don’t have the chance to talk to him while I’m in high school I won’t give up. He is my big brother and always will be. People tell me to forget about him or to contact him. I do want to contact him, but it never works out. I’m not ready enough to confront him either. I need to build myself up and show him how strong I’ve become without him physically here with me. He needs to learn how much of an influence he is to me. No one understands my thoughts about our relationship, but that doesn’t matter. Some people don’t even consider it a relationship. However, he is my brother and nothing will get in the way of stopping me from making him proud that I’m finally becoming my own person.
I wrote all that as an assignment freshman year. The assignment was about something we felt we had lost. I stand here today proud to say I have texted my brother. We still don’t have the best relationship, but we talk. He texted me on my birthday. We’re not as close as I wish, and he may not respond all the time, but I know why. I know he loves me. I know he cares. I know hope isn’t gone. I thought I had lost my brother to the dark shadows of my past, but I was wrong. People still don’t understand it, but to be honest neither do I. I don’t care either. I’m just happy I know he’s doing well.