If you guys don’t know my parents are divorced. I am not very close with my father, but today is his legal birthday. Happy birthday, Dad!
By legal, I mean that he was technically born yesterday. The doctors in India messed up his birthday or something, I’m not sure. I know for the last few years I was with him we celebrated on the 15th.
As I stated earlier, my father and I don’t really have a good relationship. Nasty things were said. Things were not handled well. Things were blown out of proportion. Lots of things! Many things! Too many things!
There was a time when I hated it if people even asked me, “Hey, have you talked to your dad?” Now, I’m over it. I can say a straight answer with a smile on my face. One of my friends even asked me on graduation if he was coming.
I laughed! The thought of inviting him hadn’t even crossed my mind. It’s not like I hate him, but a part of me knows he would not have come.
The one thing that has not changed is the animosity between my parents. They don’t even talk to each other, but I have never liked having a conversation about one parent with one another. I would die from anxiety if there were in the same place, which has happened before. When that happened, I may or may not have broken down. It’s all the past now.
Recently, I haven’t really thought about my dad too much. I’m at the point where I don’t want to be angry with him or my step-family, because I don’t want to spend my life being angry. I know things won’t ever go back to how they once were, but I’m hoping that there will come a day where I can have an actual conversation with my dad. Even when I was still living with him, towards the end of it, I found it hard to really talk to him. I never knew what to say.
I think it’s kind of funny considering he was once my best friend.
Recently, unbeknownst to my mom, I’ve been looking through old court documents.
If you talk to anyone who was somehow connected to my parents’ divorce you will hear how nasty it was.
I look through the documents when my mom’s at work. I even time it out so I won’t be disturbed by the daily call she makes when she’s on her break.
I only told one person that I was going through the documents. That person warned me that I wouldn’t like what I found. I still wanted to know. Throughout the divorce, being a child, I wasn’t told anything. I wasn’t allowed to know. It made me so frustrated.
Now I had my chance to really learn what went on. I know not all of it would be true or have happened, but the curiosity in me won over, which isn’t a big surprise.
The documents are all in one box. There’s so much in there, and sometimes it just feels like I’m reading the same thing over and over again.
There have been times where I’ve had to stop reading and run upstairs back into my house. Why? I never truly understood how bad it was. I once threw a document back into the box and left in a hurry because of the lies on it. My parents are not perfect and never were. It was still strange to see lies entwined with truth in order to manipulate the court to work in their favor. It still made me feel sick, even the smallest of lies.
I once laughed seeing a document about a problem over my hair. My hair! That document was true though.
Through the documents I flash-backed and saw how naive and easily manipulated I was. I believed whatever my parents said, never questioning that one parent’s tale contradicted the other.
Nonetheless, I still love my parents. They are my parents and always will be. I’ll always be their daughter.
I’m sorry this post was all over the place, but I really just typed out whatever came. My mind is pretty scattered, I know.
Seriously though, my dad had his faults, as do all people. I genuinely hope he’s happy in his life, though, and I hope he has an amazing birthday.